My friend Melissa posted a thing on her blog called 30 days of truth. The idea is you answer truthfully to a question a day for 30 days. My reaction was not exactly positive. Believe I said “some things are better left unsaid”. Some of those questions bring up things I’d rather not go into. Things I like about myself? Nothing. Things I don’t like? Damn near everything. Thing that I really balked at is fairly far down the list. 3 actually right after the other…
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
I look at those questions and I flinch a bit. Here’s a little fun fact about me: I’m what they used to call a manic depressive. I believe the newer clinical term is bipolar dissociative disorder. Another fun fact: I’ve tried to kill myself. More than once. The first time was when I was 13. My father was a mentally and verbally abusive dick, whether he was aware of it or not. I had a loaded gun cocked and ready pointed at my head on the back porch, when I realized my next-door neighbor would be the one to find me. Couldn’t do that to poor old Mr. Pryor. The last time was somewhere near the end of 1997. I had been out of work nearly 6 months, had no prospects for another job and had pretty much given up. I called my Mom in New Mexico and told her flatly to give me a reason to live. So aside from scaring the shit out of Mom, I think that put in motion her moving back out here. After getting off the phone with her, I decided that I wasn’t going to kill myself then but I also was not afraid to die. Since that day I’ve been ready to die.
At this point you’re either freaked out and ready to call for a nice padded room or just worried. Well settle down, there’s more to this.
Since then, my sister Heather has moved up here with her kids. She’s added one of hers and her oldest has added one of her own. On top of that, and despite trying my damnedest, I’ve put together quite a gallery of friends. Some are a bit more emotionally fractured than I am. Suicide is probably the most egotistical act one can do. “Hey look at ME, dammit”. Yeah those that know me know I hate the fucking spotlight. I live in the background yet somehow I keep finding my way to that spotlight. Ending my life would hurt a LOT of others, and that’s just not how I roll.
SO I guess that’s what I have going for me. Despite wanting badly for this shitty life to finally be over with, I have a large group of friends I don’t want to hurt. Don’t think about that too hard. You too will want to introduce a bullet to your brainpan.
I guess I’ll go over some of the other things on that list at some point. I just needed to get this one off my chest cause it’s been gnawing at the back of my head for the past week. Like Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. Be nice to hear “OMG he’s so hot” at least once in my life. Hell I’d settle for “I’d hit that”.