Where Are They Now: Darklight Warrior

This is a small piece I wrote about an old e-Wrestling character of mine who may be making a small comeback of sorts soon with an old group of friends.

This is written in a Roleplaying style so the formatting is a bit weird.


[[Studio Announcer: Welcome back to Where Are They Now? and your host, Maria Vargas…]]

MV: Tonight in our Special Profile, we have tracked down someone who was, quite honestly, an enigma in the sport of Professional Wrestling. He took the highest risks, and in some ways paid the highest price, of any of his colleagues. He completely dropped off the radar many years ago but we have finally tracked him down in a mental institution outside of Charlotte, North Carolina.

Here now is Antonio Pearce with Special Profile: Darklight Warrior.

[[A large Special Profile graphic wipes past the screen to reveal the outside of a building with high fences topped with razor wire and armed guards.]]

AP: Thank you Maria. I’m coming to you tonight from the Mental Health Ward at Rolling Hills Penitentiary, outside of Charlotte, NC. Inside these walls is the man formerly known, loved and often hated as Darklight Warrior. How did a person with his fame end up here? He didn’t have much to offer when I interviewed him, but in talking to his therapists, doctors, nurses and a few fans who never gave up on finding him it told an interesting story.

The last time he was seen on a national level was 15 years ago. After a falling out with wrestling promoters at all levels, many of whom insisted that he go into rehab for painkillers and narcotic addictions, he decided to make his own wrestling company. He of course cast himself as the star of the show, but his promotion quickly fell on hard times when it became apparent he would not give any younger talent a fair shot. The older talent that he hired on quit when they saw the shape that Darklight was actually in.

Red Blazer: Yeah I tried working for the guy, but Jesus he was f***ed up back then. We had a match in Louisville where he just went totally over the top with chairs and any weapons he could get his hands on. He even threw somebody’s mother at one of the rookies. Poor kid was so traumatized he never got over it. To this day Michael Cole has that annoying vocal tic. “Vintage” this and “Vintage” that. We had to slap the s*** out of him to get him to stop. Surprised Lawler hasn’t figured that out yet…

AP: Representatives from WWE had no comment…

AP: Darklight’s fortunes turned for the worse when, on a night in June 2001 he was pulled over after officers saw him weaving all over the road trying to hit small animals with his truck. When the officers got to the truck, they smelled alcohol, marijuana, fertilizer and incense. Further inspection of the truck revealed a large cache of pills, several bricks of marijuana and several cats bound and gagged.

[[Footage from the interrogation room…]]

DLW: THEY WERE TRYING TO STEAL MY F***ING MILK BONZ G*****IT. MOTHERF***ING THIEVES GIVE MY THOUGHTS BACK!!!!!!!

AP: He spent 6 months in a rehab facility before his first of many escapes. During this time he had started using an old alias “L. C.”, short for Locke Cole, one of the characters from the game Final Fantasy VI. On a tip from some former partners of his, police started searching for him under that alias.

Tony “Sabin Figaro” Davis: Old Locke actually came over to my gym once trying to hide out. Was all wild-eyed and smelled like he’d bathed in cat piss. I knew he wasn’t right but I let him in for a little bit to use my showers. I knew that was a mistake when he started arguing with the Stairmaster and scaring the s*** out of Shelly.

Shelly “Celes Chere” Larson-Davis: I could barely tell it was the same guy. Locke was always a little cracked, but he was full-on looney tunes when he was in our gym. If it wasn’t for those 2 big Germans that workout here we’d never have gotten him outta there. Poor guys still have the teeth marks….

AP: He was turned over to Police custody and was transferred here to this high-security facility. Police to this day are baffled as to why he went on such a string of violence against cats in 4 states. We may never know. After negotiating with the Warden of this facility we were granted the first interview with L. C. in years. We were warned what to expect but…well let’s go to the tape.

[[Cut to the interior of what appears to be a play room of sorts, for a dominatrix perhaps. There are straps and restraints everywhere. In the middle of the room, secured to a chair, is the man formerly known as Darklight Warrior. Time has taken a baseball bat to his features. There is no face paint. He has scars on any piece of exposed skin you can see, which is not much. He has a very long beard, and his hair has been left to grow and tangle, when it hasn’t been pulled out. There are gray streaks in both.]]

AP: Thank you for agreeing to talk with us today, Mr. Co…

DLW: DARKLIGHT!!!! COLE IS DEAD!!!!!

AP: [Noticeably uncomfortable] Ahem…Mr…Darklight. This may be the worst question I’ve ever asked someone but…how are you feeling?

DLW: Fine, Antonio. All things considered, life is good. I get 3 squares, I get to hang out with the kids, take ’em to the pool, you know….HOW THE F*** DO YOU THINK I’M DOING YOU F***ING RETARD?!

AP: Ahem…my apologies. Do you think you have been helped by your time here? [To his Producer]Oh Jesus Terry, what kind of questions are these? The guy’s hanging in restraints for f***’s sake…

Terry[Whispering]: Just read the cards. It’ll be fine. Most of this won’t air anyway…

AP: Sigh….Mr. Darklight. Do you have any regrets?

DLW: There was that fat chick in Reno….or was that a buffalo?

AP[facepalming]: Any regrets BESIDES the fat….oh nevermind.

DLW: Tell ya what, f***ko, lemme tell ya a story. It’s all true. One time these f***s named the Osbournes thought they could wrestle. Turns out all they could do is look stupid….

AP[exasperated]: They still do actually….

DLW: WHAT. DID. YOU. SAY?!

AP[panicked]: I. Um.

DLW: What the f**k those guys must be 60 by now. You’re telling me they’re still trying to stumble around the ring and look like they have a f**king clue what they’re doing?

AP: Yes, in the CWF. They’ve won titles…..

DLW: …..

Terry[panicked]: THE CARDS!!! BACK TO THE CARDS!!!

DLW: Oh yes the cards. Let me see…if I was a tree, no no that’s not it….What meds are you on? Oh, simple “All of them”. How many surgeries did it take to fix that rectal blockage? OH DAMMIT DOC YOU SAID THAT WAS NEVER GONNA GET IN THE RECORDS. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE UMBRELLA WASN’T A THERMOMETER?

[[Scene shifts back to the front of the building]]

AP: And it just went downhill from there. The doctors tell me Darklight is as physically devastating as ever, even spending most of his time either sedated or in restraints. On most days both. He is under constant surveillance and has no outside contact, without even television privileges. I was told he lost those after repeatedly saying the plot of LOST made sense, after which his privs were permanently removed.

He has hurt several guards and staff, but one person, who wanted to remain anonymous, did tell me that there must still be some humanity in there. During an attempt at escape, he hid in the ducts for 3 days. During that time he brutally beat a guard that was trying to take advantage of a female patient, and carried her to the doctors for treatment. He turned himself over to them willingly, but they made the mistake of telling him the patient’s name…”Kitty”. The rampage that came after is still not talked about to this day…

For “Where Are They Now?” I’m Antonio Pearce. Back to you in the studio.

[[Studio]]

MV: Fascinating stuff, Antonio. Just a reminder to those who are watching, we’re bumped next week for Professional Cow Milking but we’ll be back the week after in our regular 3am time slot. Thanks for watching. We’ll see you next time.

[[Hehe. Just thought I’d drop in, knock some rust off. Have fun you crazy kids…]]

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